The Truth Behind Mosquitoes, Blood, Bicycles, and iPads

Have you ever wondered why mosquitoes seem to so desperately need our blood? “Scientists” will tell you that they gain nutrients needed to reproduce, but when have those eggheads ever been right about anything? No, the real reason mosquitoes need our blood is far more terrifying and unpleasant than you could possibly imagine. Mosquitoes need our blood to clone tiny mosquitomen that are used in mosquito-run forced labour camps for the production of consumer goods. Why, even the screen you are reading this on may be the result of mosquito slave labour!

The product of mosquito slave labour!

Mosquito industry began at the dawn of the Industrial Revolution, continuing the mosquito species’ trend of evolving and growing concurrently with the human race. Originally focused on the manufacture of the penny farthing bicycle, early mosquito made products suffered from a number of flaws, mostly the result of the mosquito’s lack of opposable thumbs. This resulted in rickety penny farthings that were a far cry from the glamorous bicycles of the human economy. With the mosquito industrial revolution sputtering to an early death shortly after it began, a drastic solution was needed. The titans of mosquito industry turned to science, and renowned mosquito biologist Dr. Cornelius Von Thifflewaff for the answer. What Dr. Von Thifflewaff proposed would change the course of the mosquito species forever.

Dr. Von Thifflewaff, doing science.

Using their natural proboscis, mosquitoes the world over were instructed to gather blood from all varieties of humans, an essential part of the good doctor’s plan. Using the genetic information contained in the blood of the humans, mosquitokind was able to clone a new race of mosquitomen, identical to standard mosquitoes except for a few minor changes. Mosquitomen have opposable thumbs, a gift from their half-human heritage. However, all gifts come with a curse- mosquitomen also have the faces and minds of those they were cloned from, although their faces are not visible to the human eye. These mosquitomen are the soldiers, workers, and everything in between in mosquito society. If you’ve ever slapped a mosquito dead on your arm, the chances are very good that you’ve just squished your grandmother into a fine paste.

OH THE HUMANITY!

This new mosquitoman workforce, with their added opposable thumbs, were able to produce penny farthings of such impeccable quality that the entire bicycle industry is now run entirely by mosquitoes. The “pure” mosquitoes sit back in their thrones and grow fat, while the half-human mosquitomen are forced to gather blood, if they are lucky. If not, they are kept in forced labour camps all throughout the world, building bicycles and electronics for disgustingly unaware human girls and boys. There is no freedom for a mosquitoman, and the only way out of their life of misery is through a cloud of Raid.

Why won't you help me?

There are ways to weaken this slave-driven industry, which will maybe someday bring freedom to the mosquitomen upon its collapse. The first, and really only step, is refusing to buy a bicycle. If your child wants a bike to go riding with their little friends, or an iPad to Facebook their little friends on, tell them about the plight of the mosquitomen, preferably while shouting and making threatening gestures. Terrifying your children is the only way we can end this regime built on the backs of slaves!

Toast: A People’s History

The toaster. There is one in almost every home, but how much do we really know about this mysterious toast-giving machine? Where does the bread go? Where does the toast come from? How can such a small, unassuming household appliance accomplish such a drastic transformation and still remain in the background of most peoples lives? The truth is, there is far more to the toaster than most know, from its ancient beginnings to the mighty power it wields today. Before long, you will be taking a second look every time you pass through your kitchen.

An example of the toasters omnipresence throughout history.

Scholars believe that the first toasters emerged in ancient Babylonia, being mysterious blocks of stone that turned common bread into a Babylonian delicacy known as “tooowst”. Tooowst gained major prominence during the reign of Hammurabi (1792 – 1750 BC), being known throughout the land as the preferred afternoon snack of the beloved king of Babylonia. Through Hammurabi’s conquests, tooowst spread throughout neighbouring lands, gaining a foothold everywhere it was introduced. It was during this time that tooowst was shortened to toast, gaining the name we all know and love. Alongside the Code of Hammurabi, toast has stood the test of time, and is considered the greatest gift ancient Babylonia has given to the world.

The code of Hammurabi, the less edible of ancient Babylonia's gifts to the world.

From ancient times until the mid 1850′s the ancient Babylonian toast boxes were held exclusively by various ruling families of Europe and the Middle east, with the general public only being able to enjoy toast on yearly “Toast Days”, held to appease the lower classes and keep them subdued and docile. The power of toast had been passed down through the centuries, but the stone boxes were still a mystery to the greatest minds of the time, with most still being attributed to supernatural origins. It took a brilliant French scientist, Louis Pasteur, to unlock its secrets alongside such major developments as vaccines and Pasteurization. Pasteur had acquired the royal toast box in the chaos following the 1848 revolution, and had taken to studying it as a pet project. Within the toast box Pasteur had discovered an element that gave off an energy that managed to eliminate what we understand as bread, that he had dubbed “toast waves”. These waves were later understood to be a form of radiation by Marie Curie, pioneer in  radioactivity and noted toast enthusiast. The effects of this radiation are what caused toast to glow before the invention of modern toasters, leading to the colloquial name “glowbread”, now fallen out of use.

"Oh Pierre, please do get me some more of this delightful glowbread!"

In modern times, the toaster is an essential, yet controversial part of any kitchen. Toast is held in the highest regard for its unbelievable nutritional value and amazing curative powers, yet at what cost? There is a very large movement to ban the use of toasters, claiming that their fantastic healing abilities are derived from the radioactivity emanating from the Polonium core located inside each modern toaster. This is, of course, balderdash. The toaster is a benevolent device, and it should not have suspicion cast on it simply because the core is unbelievably radioactive. If anything, the toaster should be thanked for exposing us to its loving radiation, creating that warm, loving feeling that you only get from toast, slightly to the left of your brain.

This is what love looks like.

The toaster gives so much to us, and asks for so little in return. We here at Frederick Kaff’s Illogical Conclusions suggest you do something to show your toaster your appreciation for all it has done for you, your family, and the world at large. Building a toast shrine in your kitchen is a great way to start, and if you sacrifice two uncut loaves of bread to it before sundown, good fortune will be upon your household.

Anders Jonas Ångström – History’s Greatest Monster

When you think of units of length, what comes to mind first? If you are a normal human being, probably the centimeter or kilometer. If you’re a scientist, maybe the nanometer. If you’re a neanderthal, possibly the foot, or inch. But even the worst among us wouldn’t even consider the measurement world’s red-headed bastard stepchild, the filthy unwashed Angstrom. A product of a deranged and dangerous mind, the Angstrom seeks to supplant such wholesome, trustworthy units as the nanometer and picometer in the field of measuring really, really tiny stuff.

Pictured: Really, really tiny stuff.

The Angstrom would like you to believe that it is equal to 1/10,000,000,000 of a meter (1×10⁻¹⁰m), sidling right in between our good friends the nanometer (1×10⁻⁹ m) and the always jovial picometer (1×10⁻¹²m). The sneaky Mr. Ångström would have you believe the unit is there to aid in measuring things like the wavelengths in electromagnetic radiation and the lengths of chemical bonds, but this is all clearly a cover for the true purpose of the Angstrom. Tainted with a debilitating poison, the angstrom is situated between the nanometer and the picometer with the intent of poisoning both units, taking them out of commission and settling a longstanding childhood grudge against the units held by the oily Mr. Ångström.

Anders Jonas Ångström, 1754 "Why yes, I will sell my children for research funding. Mwuahahaha!"

The unit symbol for the Angstrom is the Å. Unlike the symbols of its trustworthy neighbours, pm (picometer) and nm (nanometer), the Angstrom feels that it needs a flashy diacritic over its letter to truly represent itself. Aside from being a sign of Mr. Ångström’s hopelessly vain nature, the circle over the A serves another, more sinister use – the circle is a camera meant to spy on anyone who uses it. This camera records information forwarded to Mr. Ångström to be used in his various telemarketing and mail fraud schemes, roping in unwitting scientists into a world of scams, deception, and despair.

"I travelled the world and the seven seas, I am watching you through a camera!"

So many despicable schemes and character flaws almost make Mr. Ångström look more like a cartoony supervillain than a real person. It doesn’t help matters any that he has his own crater on the moon, Ångström crater, located at lunar coordinates 29.9°N 41.6°W. This crater is more than your standard “honourary” named crater, it is actually the base of Mr. Ångström’s entire operation. As he watches us from his lunar base, destroying our measurement systems and filling our mailboxes with junk, it seems all we earthbound victims can do is simply grin and bear it. Of course, there is always a better way.

The Ångström crater moon base, letting the world know what he thinks of us.

Regardless of the country you are in, there is one way you can all help defeat this awful menace. Contact your local Congressman, Member of Parliament, or other government representative and let it be known that increasing space program funding and science funding are some of the top concerns of the voting public, along with bringing Anders Jonas Ångström to justice for the atrocities committed by him and his criminal syndicate. Remember, the picometer and nanometer are depending on you, you’re their only hope!

Flying Terror-Rats Must Be Stopped!

Pigeons – the rats of the sky. So much is made of what a pest the common pigeon is that we never really stop to consider this menacing bird’s true intentions. The pigeon is much more than a minor inconvenience – it is what will surely cause the downfall of our civilization and the destruction of our world. From their surprisingly sinister behavior to their dangerously reactive innards, there is no safe part of a pigeon. In fact, the experts here at Frederick Kaff’s Illogical Conclusions suggest brutally beating anyone who has ever so much as mentioned a pigeon in anything other than tones of pure hatred – they are already lost.

The hand pictured belongs to a filthy, disgusting traitor.

The safety of you, the reader, is our chief concern here, so we are bringing the most dangerous aspect of the common pigeon to your attention first – their horrifying, horrifying innards. Most people have been told to never handle a live pigeon, but most have never received an explanation for this exceptionally sage advice. Unlike other birds, whose bodies are filled with the standard four humours as liquid mass (blood, yellow bile, black bile, and phlegm), the pigeon has organs that are instead filled with pure nitroglycerin. Letting a small child handle one because they erroneously think it is cute, or even handling one yourself, is enough to set off a dangerous explosive reaction, incinerating everything in a 15 meter radius. This deadly defense mechanism evolved not out of a need to protect itself, as the pigeon is also eliminated in the blast, but simply because pigeons are dicks.

Standard pigeon anatomy diagram. Nitroglycerin strength varies by bird.

It should come as no surprise that pigeons are birds of incredibly foul temperament, and incredibly loose moral fiber. Pigeon attacks have been a serious problem in major metropolitan areas for many years, dating back to the formation of the International Pigeon League of Douchebaggery, or IPLD, in Prague in 1731. Prior to the forming of this group, pigeons were viewed as a harmless nuisance, similar to the average knife wielding hobo. The IPLD changed all that, unifying pigeons under an international banner of mischief and trouble making. Their first major nefarious act was sparking the War of the Polish Succession (1733-1738), thereby cementing their place in the history books as filthy, degenerate monsters.

Aleksander Pigeon, first leader of the IPLD and catalyst of the War of the Polish Succession (1733-1738)

Of course, pigeon havoc is not merely contained to the history books. Pigeon attacks are still a major problem worldwide, with the problem getting so bad that in some cities, major efforts are being taken to eliminate this threat once and for all. The Canadian city of Halifax, Nova Scotia, has been heralded for its revolutionary pigeon removal methods. After a period stretching from 1996-2006 in which over 23% of the city’s population was lost to pigeons, including Halifax’s favourite son, NHL referee Don Koharski, who was carried off by pigeons outside a local doughnut shop in early 2003, city council decided to take action. After supplying all the residents of the city with a year’s supply of liquid food replacement, all foodstuffs in the city limits were then poisoned and left for the pigeons. The summer of 2006, referred to by residents as “The Long Summer”, saw the pigeon population decrease steadily while the citizens survived on bottles of Boost and Ensure. As of October 2006, Halifax was officially pigeon free, and there was much rejoicing.

The people of Halifax rejoicing in their success.

The pigeon threat is now greater than ever, although success stories like those of Halifax bring hope to those of us still living in fear of the grey menace. These birds should be considered armed and dangerous. Do not attempt to approach or apprehend them. If in immediate contact, retreat to a safe place and contact the authorities.

Thermos – Man’s Golden Hour

The thermos. A very common item, surely in most of your homes right now. But how much do you actually know about that wondrous canister that keeps hot drinks hot and cold drinks cold? Where does it get such awesome power, and how is it contained in such an innocuous, often colourful cylinder? The common thermos is actually one of mankind’s most stunning achievements,  utilizing technology on the absolute bleeding edge of human capability. Invented by Dr. Johannes Krause of Stuttgart, Germany, in 1893, the thermos was originally intended to be used as an indestructible building material. After Dr. Krause’s test shed began to fill with water one fateful morn in the fall of 1893, the temperature regulating properties of the thermos were discovered and humanity took its first fateful steps into a new golden age of liquids served at appropriate temperatures.

Standard thermos, property of the Smithsonian Institution.

To understand the fascinating technology behind the thermos, we must first look at its original intended use as a building material. Originally invented as an insulating alternative to standard bricks, the thermos had proved too costly to be practical choices for large public buildings. Amid the financial disaster of his new invention, and the accusations of witchcraft coming from his many stupid neighbours, it seemed that Dr. Johannes Krause was heading towards the end of his career as an inventor. That is until that fateful day referenced earlier, when his test hut filled with water on that rainy October morning. Dr. Krause took note of his hut made of thermoses filling with water, and was surprised when upon inspection later that afternoon that the water in the thermoses had remained cold! Excited by this startling discovery, Dr. Krause  spent a year investigating and testing these unique properties, until he re-debuted the thermos at the 1894 Stuttgart Winter Marathon. Filled with hot broth that miraculously managed to stay hot throughout the race, the thermos was an enormous success with all participants involved; except for one old man who spilled his on his lap and suffered severe third degree burns. General consensus is that it was his own damn fault for being such a grouchy old man, and the incident did nothing to dampen the thermos’s arrival into our modern world.

Dr. Johannes Krause's original thermos shack, preserved as a World Heritage Site.

The history of the thermos is very interesting, but what is truly fascinating about the thermos is how it works. Encased in the unassuming shell of every thermos is an inner shell made entirely of platinum, hooked up to a complex circuit that powers each thermos with wireless geothermal energy. The circuitry needed to power 1 thermos is very impressive; with just 1 thermos containing 10,000  times the processing power as the Apollo 11 lander that first put man on the moon. This technology is all very complex and unbelievably expensive, yet thanks to the efforts of the charitable Krause Foundation, each thermos is heavily subsidized, allowing even the poorest, dirtiest, most disease-ridden vagrant to be able to afford one. Without these generous gifts, only the three richest monarchs of Europe would be able to keep their hot drinks hot and their cold drinks cold.

The complex heart of the average thermos.

Today, thermoses are in use all over the world, a testament to Dr. Krause’s brilliant vision and abilities. In his hometown of Stuttgart, the 15 of October is celebrated as Thermos Day, with thermos themed parades and celebrations honouring the life of the Earth’s most accomplished inventor. Thermos Day has begun to spread to other nations as well, with the United States, Russia, China, and many others adopting Thermos Day in recognition of the man who brought our world into the modern age.

The thermos mug balloon in the 2010 Macy's Thermos Day Parade, New York.

So the next time you enjoy a beverage that has been kept cold in a thermos, or a soup that has been kept hot, please take a moment to remember the humble inventor from Stuttgart who made this brave new world possible for us all to enjoy soups and drinks away from home!

Quasars – Sleazy Scumbag Jerks of the Universe

Most of us have at least once looked up into the night sky and marveled at the many bright wonders of our universe. Although most objects in the night sky are truly remarkable and definitely worthy of awe, there is one that we should look at in a slightly different light – the quasar. Admired for being the most luminous and mysterious objects in the known universe, quasars are actually sneaky, shiftless, and quite simply cannot be trusted. Think of every aspect that causes you to distrust a fellow human, multiply by 2×10^12, and you have the average quasar.

An average quasar, up to some no doubt shady business.

The first quality of quasars to call into question is their trustworthiness.  Planets, comets, stars, and other celestial objects simply are what they are, and do not try to deceive or mislead us. Quasars, on the other hand, have plenty to hide. Believed to be caused by the accretion of material  by super massive black holes, quasars surround these black holes and give off incredible light and energy. Why use such a flashy method to hide black holes? We here at Frederick Kaff’s Illogical Conclusions have conducted exhaustive research using our own specialized telescopes to bring you the answer. Whereas a normal black hole merely allows nothing, not even light, to escape, these black holes have a far more sinister purpose, which is why they surround themselves with quasars. These particular black holes need the brilliant qualities of the quasar to distract from their numerous illegal activities, ranging from selling illicit drugs and pirated software to offering unlicensed medical procedures. For shame, quasars, for being party to such unsavory activities.

Quasar selling pirated copies of Windows 7 and other software.

Another reason to be wary of quasars is the way they present themselves. Quasars are the most luminous objects in the sky, clearly a sign that they are nothing more than self-absorbed attention hogs who care only about themselves. Quasars spend obscene amounts of space money to make sure everyone looking through a telescope can see them, but you will never see the name of a quasar next to a charity donation list. All the effort to remain so illuminated could feed all the starving children the world over, but never expect a vain thing like a quasar to put aside the business of being bright for a day to realize this. Such narcissism deserves only your unbridled scorn and derision.

Pictured - why the world suffers from such a terrible hunger problem. Stupid jerk quasar.

If you aren’t already viewing quasars as the scum of the universe, there is one last point we’d like to share with you. Unlike us here on earth, quasars do not eat chocolate, fois gras, and barrels full of lettuce. No, quasars consume matter brought in by the black holes they are in league with to maintain their energy. In fact, the largest known quasar, the “Pimp Daddy” of quasars, if you will, is estimated to chow down on the equivalent of 600 Earths per minute. If someone you knew was chowing down on hundreds of earths per minute you’d put them in a fat camp, and rightfully so. Quasars lack such discipline and are allowed to grow to absolutely gargantuan sizes, lowering property values for those of us in the rest of the universe.

Young quasars beginning their growth cycle, as viewed by the Hubble Telescope.

The universe truly is a horrifying place, made all the more so by the presence of terrible, terrible quasars. So the next time you are outside admiring the stars, remember one thing – the quasars may be brilliant, but they are also brilliantly awful and a bigger drain on society than even the biggest human scumbag. Happy Stargazing!

Are You In Control Of Your Teeth? Or Are They In Charge Of You?

Dentistry- the world’s oldest and most feared profession. Throughout the reaches of time and space, the one constant in our lives is the iron grip dentists have on the world’s populace. It may not be readily apparent, but you are reading this right now only because a dentist somewhere has allowed it. Why is this? Only the dentist knows, so read on and discover how and why dentistry rules the world.

This only exists because a dentist somewhere hates you.

The main piece of the dental control system lies in the fillings most likely in your mouth. If you’ve ever spent a significant amount of time around crazy people, you’ve surely heard rambling stories about mind-controlling radio transmitters implanted in their dental fillings. What you may not have known is that those jumpy lunatics are 100% correct. Not only are the fillings in your teeth filled with tiny radio transmitters, but they are transmitting directly into your brain. These messages most often take the form of instructions meant to compromise your oral health, along with a sampling from the Beastie Boys 1989 album “Paul’s Boutique”, a favourite among the dental community.

The average person's fillings.

Of course, the dentists don’t just control us. No, they loathe us and every aspect of our being. Anyone who has ever been put to sleep for a dental procedure has been an unwitting recipient of their scorn. When the patient is subdued, the dentists perform more than dental procedures – they also make the absolute rudest faces and gestures as they do so. These actions are so incomprehensibly rude that I cannot relay them here, lest I offend the sensibilities of the powerful nobility reading this.  All that can be divulged in polite company is that it involves an orange and debris from the wreck of the Edmund Fizgerald.

Even this placeholder image is unbearably offensive. I'm so sorry!

This leads to the biggest question of all – why do the dentists work so hard to control us? The answer is in the mouths of every man, woman, and child. Through the use of a fantastically powerful drill located deep underneath the FDI World Dental Federation building in Paris, leading dentists have developed a system that uses raw tooth material and fluoride to produce solid gold. This procedure is the source of over 64% of the world’s gold supply, which lies under the control of the dental establishment.

The secret equation to turn teeth into gold. Use with caution.

So there you have it – dentists control the world’s gold supply and the minds of its people. The easy way to stay free of this scheme would be to avoid fillings at all costs, but that would just be poor oral hygiene and an irresponsible suggestion on our part. The best alternative is to perform all your fillings yourself. All you need for this deceptively simple and harmless procedure is one electric drill with bit, any size, a soldering iron, and a little bit of solder. It’s so easy it really is self explanatory.  So stay safe, and stay free of the dental conspiracy.

Alternative Energy – Because the Dino People Want Their Fuel Back

Recently, there has been a push worldwide to adopt numerous alternative energy sources, and cut loose our dependence on fossil fuels. What isn’t made clear in the media is the true reason this is being done. The underground Dino People are starting to get very upset with us surface dwellers, and have asked that we stop stealing their fossil fuels. Without fossil fuels, the dino people are unable to drive their dino cars, and so underground civilization needs to keep it’s fuels, lest it grind to a halt. Out of the kindness of their surface dweller hearts, the governments of the world have agreed to comply. There are a number of alternative energy sources already in place to cope with this change in the worlds energy needs. Some are easier to harvest than others, but all point to a grand new world here on the surface.

Standard underground Dino People car. 1993 model.

In the bustling metropolis of Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan, the entire city has moved on from coal and gas based power to a static electricity based power system. Deep underneath Moose Jaw, in a secret bunker known only as “Carpet Zone 001″, the Moose Jaw government holds thousands of captured slaves, unfortunate victims of new draconian parking ticket laws. These unfortunate souls are forced to shuffle endlessly back and forth across an expanse of deep pile shag carpeting. The resulting buildup of static charge is then collected and fed back into the local power grid, providing the people of Moose Jaw with an endless, eco-friendly source of electricity. Due to the overwhelming success of this program, the city of Rochester, New York has expressed interest in adopting the program for their own fair city.

Spy photo of Carpet Zone 001.

One of the most public areas where attempts to reduce dependence on fossil fuels is in the automotive sector. Toyota, a world leader in hybrid and electric car technology, has recently unveiled “Punchdrive”, their newest take on alternative energy propulsion systems. Rather than relying on a battery or tank for fuel, Punchdrive runs entirely on pure human punching power. Realizing that road rage is the most prevalent form of energy on the road, Toyota has developed Punchdrive as a system that takes the kinetic energy collected from punching special “Punch Pads” inside the car. This energy is then applied to the drive system, propelling the car forward. These Punch Pads can be programmed to display the faces of one’s enemies, to achieve maximum punch energy absorption. Preset faces include those of Celine Dion, Roy Cohn, the cast of “Full House”,  and Nicolae Ceauşescu. The Punchdrive system is expected to be installed in most Camrys by 2013, with the rest of Toyota’s line receiving it in 2014.

Standard Punchdrive system, showing the faces of Cher and Thomas Edison.

These new systems are all well and good for new infrastructure and devices, but what about older cars, lawnmowers, and the like that will still require liquid fuel to function? One energy lab in St. Petersburg, Russia, may have the answer. Ocёл Labs has developed a new liquid fuel that is derived not from fossil fuels, but from a far more renewable source of energy – the tears of spoiled children. Numerous studies have shown that one child screaming in the supermarket produces, on average, more energy than 3 atomic bombs. Ocёл Labs have found a way to harness this destructive power in a 5% dilute solution that increases the energy efficiency of gas and diesel powered devices tenfold. This new fuel is also very affordable, as there will never be any shortage of children crying for chocolate chip cookies.

Pictured: enough fuel to power every car on Great Britain's roads for 6 months.

With these fascinating advances in alternative fuels, we can finally allow the underground Dino People to keep their fossil fuels, a great step forward for mankind. Remember, alternative energy is not only good for the environment, it also keeps you from becoming a slave of the horrible underground Dino People.

The Human Body Explained with Wormholes

The human body is lauded by some as a fantastic, complex design that shows the true beauty of nature. These people are full of it. After some extensive research here at Frederick Kaff’s Illogical Conclusions, we are proud to present our results on how the human body actually works. The basis of this research is this startling conclusion: The human body operates almost entirely on wormholes, not ridiculous “systems”.

Andreas Vesalius, father of human anatomy and filthy, stinking liar.

The most prominent use of wormholes in the human body is in the digestive system. To be precise, in the pathway between the mouth and the stomach. How else would food get all the way from point A to point B? More “respected” doctors claim there is a tube called the “esophagus”  connecting the mouth and the stomach, but that’s just ridiculous. If there were a tube, it would need to be replaced every few years to accommodate for growth and wear on the body. If one takes the sensible approach, it becomes clear that there is actually a wormhole connecting the mouth and stomach,  acting as an essential part of the digestive system. After all, you can’t fit a cheeseburger through a garden hose!

Comparative diagram showing how the digestive system ACTUALLY works

Viruses and bacteria are another instance where wormholes are used on the human body, although this is clearly more of a harmful situation. You may have wondered how germs get into the human body, especially for those who rarely open their mouths to speak or eat. This is done by the germs crashing into the skin, creating a wormhole on the surface of the epidermis that allows them unimpeded travel into the body. This theory can be proven by looking at an everyday situation – When you pour condiments such as ketchup and mustard on your skin, they do not disappear into the body to wreak havoc with your innards. No one is safe from this onslaught of wormhole germs, not even mute fasting monks who have been cut off from society for decades. The only way to prevent these wormholes from opening on your skin is to fashion a suit made from aluminum foil. Aluminum foil has special reflective properties that repel attempts by germs to invade your body.

A typical bacteria trying to invade the human body.

The last major use of wormholes in the human body pertains to what you are doing right now – reading. The senses of smell, hearing, and sight all rely on wormholes to provide smells, sounds, and images. To demonstrate this principle, we will use the sense of sight, the most common of all senses.  Things that you see, such as computer screens or staplers, constantly shoot images of themselves out in all directions, and are seen when the wormholes in our eyes suck in these images; they are then deposited in the brain,  which acts like a dustbin for sensory input.

Images travelling from the television to our eye, often in the form of Polaroids.

With all this new information, you are now ready to protect yourself from the terrible microscopic world that surrounds us. You are also now qualified as a doctor in all developed nations. If anyone asks to see your qualifications, show them your aluminum foil suit, proof of your awareness of the human body’s greatest hazards. That should put even the most skeptical patient at ease. Stay safe in your aluminum foil, and have a knowledgeable New Year from those of us here at Frederick Kaff’s Illogical Conclusions!

Santa Claus – Harmless Fun or Hardened Criminal?

Some alarming information has recently come to light here at Frederick Kaff’s Illogical Conclusions. Our information gathering efforts have uncovered a massive crime spree planned for the evening of December 25. A single man, going by the clearly false moniker of one “Santa Claus” intends to invade every child’s home in one night with the intent of leaving a mysterious package in each home. The contents of said packages are unknown to the recipients, which only raises further worrying questions.

Santa Claus. Artist's Rendering.

The suspicious nature of this act begins right at the top – with the name. It seems this Mr. “Santa Claus” has numerous aliases all over the world. How can you not cast suspicion on a man who hold passports for almost every country in the world, most with different names? In France, he takes on the name Pere Noel. In neighbouring Germany, he goes by Weihnachtsmann. Even on the other side of the world this scam persists, being known as Dun Che Lao Ren in the People’s Republic of China. With so many aliases it is impossible to know who this man really is, and what his motive could possibly be.

Dutch Passport reading "Sinterklaas", one of Santa's many alternate identities.

The packages left behind are just as suspicious, if not more so. Wrapped in some sort of protective, festive shielding, they contain no information on the exterior except the name of the designated recipient. The packages often appear bright and vibrant, belying what must be truly sinister contents. The fact that they are addressed expressly to children only raises further questions, although we here at Frederick Kaff’s Illogical Conclusions have come up with a fairly reasonable hypothesis. It seems most likely that the packages contain some form of mind control gas, and a variety of sharp, pointy implements. This would make the packages part of some dastardly ploy to use the world’s children as some sort of private army, but to what end it is still somewhat unclear.

The standard contents of one of Santa's mysterious "packages".

As the details of this sinister plot become more clear, you must be wondering “What can I do to protect myself from being overrun by this worldwide child army that threatens to destroy us all?”. The good news: We have the answer. The bad news: It is rather expensive, and will prove to be quite the hassle. The solution is simply this: Seal all your chimneys and roof-based entrances with concrete, then excavate a massive cavern underneath your home and build an exact duplicate home in the cavern. This will leave the original home standing as a decoy to distract the roving gangs of mind-controlled child soldiers while you sit back with an ice cold lemonade and relax. This may seem rather excessive, but when you are taking a pleasant afternoon nap in your underground home on the 26th while Santa’s child army has the run of the world, you’ll be sitting pretty.

Blueprints for the "Underground House Protection Plan". Patent Pending.

Now that you’ve been made aware of “Santa Claus” and his nefarious plot, are you prepared to do what it takes to stay safe? Remember, December 25 is only 6 days away – better start digging!