Why the Planet Jupiter Must Be Destroyed

The solar system that the majority of us live in is a vast and wondrous place, filled with untold mysteries and wonder. A portly, sweaty man once said that space is “the final frontier”, a concept incredibly alluring to the natural human sense of exploration and discovery. Our galactic community isn’t all gumdrops and thinly veiled commentaries on racial tensions in the 60’s, however, as there is something very dangerous lurking just outside our protective and loving asteroid belt. This threat is, of course, the planet Jupiter. There is more to this unassuming gas giant than just a garish red spot – danger lurks among the hydrogen and helium.

What space has in majesty and wonder, it lacks in subtlety.

The planet Jupiter derives its name from the Roman god of the same name. Jupiter, the head of the Roman pantheon of gods, was regarded as the god of the sky and thunder. Taking this into consideration, every sky related calamity experienced here on Earth can feasibly be blamed on Jupiter. Sure, the planet merely shares a name with a fictional being attributed to the sky, but why let that stop you from directing your seething, lightning-strike related rage at that rotund, vomit coloured monstrosity loitering in our solar system. Crimes based on mistaken identity are a proud aspect of human culture, so roughing up Jupiter a little is essentially your duty as a human being. No court in the world will convict you.

This court finds in favour of the plaintiff! Planet Jupiter, you disgust me.

When mentioning this filthy, miscreant planet, the prominent image in the minds of most people is that of Jupiter’s Great Red Spot. Why such a pathetic image is burned into anyones mind is a complete mistery. The Great Red Spot is an anticlyionic storm that is bigger than our Earth. It is viewed as fascinating from a distance, but don’t fool yourself – if given the chance, the Great Red Spot would come to your home in an instant, messing up your carefully raked piles of leaves and water damaging your azaleas with impunity! Like a high school dropout, the Great Red Spot is a menace that you find fascinating, until it moves into your neghbourhood!

Just look at the size of that soda! That spot is up to no good, I tells ya!

One of the most terrifying aspects of Jupiter, however , is its physical makeup. The planet Jupiter is 88-92% hydrogen, the element which was used to keep zeppelins in the air. With so much hydrogen, the Jupiter is without a doubt responsible for the greatest aviation disaster of the early 20th century. Yes, the Hindenburg was also mostly hydrogen, and it led to the fiery deaths of 35 passengers. The blood of these passengers is on this massive hydrogen douchebags hands, but has there ever been an acknowledgement of guilt by this layabout planet? Of course not! This is why scientists often refer to Jupiter as “That violen, maladjusted sociopath in the sky that we all hate”.

“Oh the humanity! Curse you, Jupiter! Curse youuuuuu!” – actual quote from captured footage of the disaster.

Jupiter. The most dangerous object in the solar system. If we don’t take this opportunity to destroy it now, who will? Why leave such a menace unattended, allowed to slowly rotate at its leisure? We here at Frederick Kaff’s Illogical Conclusions strongly urge everyone reading this to take up your pitchforks and your torches, and rive that filthy planet out of our fair solar system!

Where Do Hamburgers Come From? A Look At The World’s Favourite Ground Meat Sandwich

Ground meat sandwiches, known in most circles as “ham burgers”, are apparently an incredibly popular food item around the world. We here at Frederick Kaff’s Illogical Conclusions delved deep into this mysterious food, and with some help from Ms. Bovinia Tartare, head of PR at the Burglet Farmers of Canada (BFC), we are here today to bring you the tale of how this wondrous super-food makes its way from the fields to your table. In association with the BFC, we have produced this educational comic detailing the mysterious journey of the hamburger, from burglet to foodstuff.

Teachers and parents, please feel free to print out and distribute this comic to your children and associates alike. And if you are in the area, don’t forget to attend the festivities at the BFC’s annual Burglet Appreciation Day, held this year on July 9 at the dripping meat tent at the Calgary Stampede Exhibition Grounds in Calgary, Alberta, Canada. There will be informative booths, films, and a meat-themed dance for the adults. Childrens can enjoy face painting, sauce swimming,and a burglet petting zoo. Don’t miss it!