Why the Planet Jupiter Must Be Destroyed

The solar system that the majority of us live in is a vast and wondrous place, filled with untold mysteries and wonder. A portly, sweaty man once said that space is “the final frontier”, a concept incredibly alluring to the natural human sense of exploration and discovery. Our galactic community isn’t all gumdrops and thinly veiled commentaries on racial tensions in the 60’s, however, as there is something very dangerous lurking just outside our protective and loving asteroid belt. This threat is, of course, the planet Jupiter. There is more to this unassuming gas giant than just a garish red spot – danger lurks among the hydrogen and helium.

What space has in majesty and wonder, it lacks in subtlety.

The planet Jupiter derives its name from the Roman god of the same name. Jupiter, the head of the Roman pantheon of gods, was regarded as the god of the sky and thunder. Taking this into consideration, every sky related calamity experienced here on Earth can feasibly be blamed on Jupiter. Sure, the planet merely shares a name with a fictional being attributed to the sky, but why let that stop you from directing your seething, lightning-strike related rage at that rotund, vomit coloured monstrosity loitering in our solar system. Crimes based on mistaken identity are a proud aspect of human culture, so roughing up Jupiter a little is essentially your duty as a human being. No court in the world will convict you.

This court finds in favour of the plaintiff! Planet Jupiter, you disgust me.

When mentioning this filthy, miscreant planet, the prominent image in the minds of most people is that of Jupiter’s Great Red Spot. Why such a pathetic image is burned into anyones mind is a complete mistery. The Great Red Spot is an anticlyionic storm that is bigger than our Earth. It is viewed as fascinating from a distance, but don’t fool yourself – if given the chance, the Great Red Spot would come to your home in an instant, messing up your carefully raked piles of leaves and water damaging your azaleas with impunity! Like a high school dropout, the Great Red Spot is a menace that you find fascinating, until it moves into your neghbourhood!

Just look at the size of that soda! That spot is up to no good, I tells ya!

One of the most terrifying aspects of Jupiter, however , is its physical makeup. The planet Jupiter is 88-92% hydrogen, the element which was used to keep zeppelins in the air. With so much hydrogen, the Jupiter is without a doubt responsible for the greatest aviation disaster of the early 20th century. Yes, the Hindenburg was also mostly hydrogen, and it led to the fiery deaths of 35 passengers. The blood of these passengers is on this massive hydrogen douchebags hands, but has there ever been an acknowledgement of guilt by this layabout planet? Of course not! This is why scientists often refer to Jupiter as “That violen, maladjusted sociopath in the sky that we all hate”.

“Oh the humanity! Curse you, Jupiter! Curse youuuuuu!” – actual quote from captured footage of the disaster.

Jupiter. The most dangerous object in the solar system. If we don’t take this opportunity to destroy it now, who will? Why leave such a menace unattended, allowed to slowly rotate at its leisure? We here at Frederick Kaff’s Illogical Conclusions strongly urge everyone reading this to take up your pitchforks and your torches, and rive that filthy planet out of our fair solar system!


Where Do Hamburgers Come From? A Look At The World’s Favourite Ground Meat Sandwich

Ground meat sandwiches, known in most circles as “ham burgers”, are apparently an incredibly popular food item around the world. We here at Frederick Kaff’s Illogical Conclusions delved deep into this mysterious food, and with some help from Ms. Bovinia Tartare, head of PR at the Burglet Farmers of Canada (BFC), we are here today to bring you the tale of how this wondrous super-food makes its way from the fields to your table. In association with the BFC, we have produced this educational comic detailing the mysterious journey of the hamburger, from burglet to foodstuff.

This burglet's name was Horace

Teachers and parents, please feel free to print out and distribute this comic to your children and associates alike. And if you are in the area, don’t forget to attend the festivities at the BFC’s annual Burglet Appreciation Day, held this year on July 9 at the dripping meat tent at the Calgary Stampede Exhibition Grounds in Calgary, Alberta, Canada. There will be informative booths, films, and a meat-themed dance for the adults. Childrens can enjoy face painting, sauce swimming,and a burglet petting zoo. Don’t miss it!

The Truth Behind Mosquitoes, Blood, Bicycles, and iPads

Have you ever wondered why mosquitoes seem to so desperately need our blood? “Scientists” will tell you that they gain nutrients needed to reproduce, but when have those eggheads ever been right about anything? No, the real reason mosquitoes need our blood is far more terrifying and unpleasant than you could possibly imagine. Mosquitoes need our blood to clone tiny mosquitomen that are used in mosquito-run forced labour camps for the production of consumer goods. Why, even the screen you are reading this on may be the result of mosquito slave labour!

The product of mosquito slave labour!

Mosquito industry began at the dawn of the Industrial Revolution, continuing the mosquito species’ trend of evolving and growing concurrently with the human race. Originally focused on the manufacture of the penny farthing bicycle, early mosquito made products suffered from a number of flaws, mostly the result of the mosquito’s lack of opposable thumbs. This resulted in rickety penny farthings that were a far cry from the glamorous bicycles of the human economy. With the mosquito industrial revolution sputtering to an early death shortly after it began, a drastic solution was needed. The titans of mosquito industry turned to science, and renowned mosquito biologist Dr. Cornelius Von Thifflewaff for the answer. What Dr. Von Thifflewaff proposed would change the course of the mosquito species forever.

Dr. Von Thifflewaff, doing science.

Using their natural proboscis, mosquitoes the world over were instructed to gather blood from all varieties of humans, an essential part of the good doctor’s plan. Using the genetic information contained in the blood of the humans, mosquitokind was able to clone a new race of mosquitomen, identical to standard mosquitoes except for a few minor changes. Mosquitomen have opposable thumbs, a gift from their half-human heritage. However, all gifts come with a curse- mosquitomen also have the faces and minds of those they were cloned from, although their faces are not visible to the human eye. These mosquitomen are the soldiers, workers, and everything in between in mosquito society. If you’ve ever slapped a mosquito dead on your arm, the chances are very good that you’ve just squished your grandmother into a fine paste.


This new mosquitoman workforce, with their added opposable thumbs, were able to produce penny farthings of such impeccable quality that the entire bicycle industry is now run entirely by mosquitoes. The “pure” mosquitoes sit back in their thrones and grow fat, while the half-human mosquitomen are forced to gather blood, if they are lucky. If not, they are kept in forced labour camps all throughout the world, building bicycles and electronics for disgustingly unaware human girls and boys. There is no freedom for a mosquitoman, and the only way out of their life of misery is through a cloud of Raid.

Why won't you help me?

There are ways to weaken this slave-driven industry, which will maybe someday bring freedom to the mosquitomen upon its collapse. The first, and really only step, is refusing to buy a bicycle. If your child wants a bike to go riding with their little friends, or an iPad to Facebook their little friends on, tell them about the plight of the mosquitomen, preferably while shouting and making threatening gestures. Terrifying your children is the only way we can end this regime built on the backs of slaves!

Toast: A People’s History

The toaster. There is one in almost every home, but how much do we really know about this mysterious toast-giving machine? Where does the bread go? Where does the toast come from? How can such a small, unassuming household appliance accomplish such a drastic transformation and still remain in the background of most peoples lives? The truth is, there is far more to the toaster than most know, from its ancient beginnings to the mighty power it wields today. Before long, you will be taking a second look every time you pass through your kitchen.

An example of the toasters omnipresence throughout history.

Scholars believe that the first toasters emerged in ancient Babylonia, being mysterious blocks of stone that turned common bread into a Babylonian delicacy known as “tooowst”. Tooowst gained major prominence during the reign of Hammurabi (1792 – 1750 BC), being known throughout the land as the preferred afternoon snack of the beloved king of Babylonia. Through Hammurabi’s conquests, tooowst spread throughout neighbouring lands, gaining a foothold everywhere it was introduced. It was during this time that tooowst was shortened to toast, gaining the name we all know and love. Alongside the Code of Hammurabi, toast has stood the test of time, and is considered the greatest gift ancient Babylonia has given to the world.

The code of Hammurabi, the less edible of ancient Babylonia's gifts to the world.

From ancient times until the mid 1850’s the ancient Babylonian toast boxes were held exclusively by various ruling families of Europe and the Middle east, with the general public only being able to enjoy toast on yearly “Toast Days”, held to appease the lower classes and keep them subdued and docile. The power of toast had been passed down through the centuries, but the stone boxes were still a mystery to the greatest minds of the time, with most still being attributed to supernatural origins. It took a brilliant French scientist, Louis Pasteur, to unlock its secrets alongside such major developments as vaccines and Pasteurization. Pasteur had acquired the royal toast box in the chaos following the 1848 revolution, and had taken to studying it as a pet project. Within the toast box Pasteur had discovered an element that gave off an energy that managed to eliminate what we understand as bread, that he had dubbed “toast waves”. These waves were later understood to be a form of radiation by Marie Curie, pioneer in  radioactivity and noted toast enthusiast. The effects of this radiation are what caused toast to glow before the invention of modern toasters, leading to the colloquial name “glowbread”, now fallen out of use.

"Oh Pierre, please do get me some more of this delightful glowbread!"

In modern times, the toaster is an essential, yet controversial part of any kitchen. Toast is held in the highest regard for its unbelievable nutritional value and amazing curative powers, yet at what cost? There is a very large movement to ban the use of toasters, claiming that their fantastic healing abilities are derived from the radioactivity emanating from the Polonium core located inside each modern toaster. This is, of course, balderdash. The toaster is a benevolent device, and it should not have suspicion cast on it simply because the core is unbelievably radioactive. If anything, the toaster should be thanked for exposing us to its loving radiation, creating that warm, loving feeling that you only get from toast, slightly to the left of your brain.

This is what love looks like.

The toaster gives so much to us, and asks for so little in return. We here at Frederick Kaff’s Illogical Conclusions suggest you do something to show your toaster your appreciation for all it has done for you, your family, and the world at large. Building a toast shrine in your kitchen is a great way to start, and if you sacrifice two uncut loaves of bread to it before sundown, good fortune will be upon your household.

Anders Jonas Ångström – History’s Greatest Monster

When you think of units of length, what comes to mind first? If you are a normal human being, probably the centimeter or kilometer. If you’re a scientist, maybe the nanometer. If you’re a neanderthal, possibly the foot, or inch. But even the worst among us wouldn’t even consider the measurement world’s red-headed bastard stepchild, the filthy unwashed Angstrom. A product of a deranged and dangerous mind, the Angstrom seeks to supplant such wholesome, trustworthy units as the nanometer and picometer in the field of measuring really, really tiny stuff.

Pictured: Really, really tiny stuff.

The Angstrom would like you to believe that it is equal to 1/10,000,000,000 of a meter (1×10−10m), sidling right in between our good friends the nanometer (1×10−9 m) and the always jovial picometer (1×10−12m). The sneaky Mr. Ångström would have you believe the unit is there to aid in measuring things like the wavelengths in electromagnetic radiation and the lengths of chemical bonds, but this is all clearly a cover for the true purpose of the Angstrom. Tainted with a debilitating poison, the angstrom is situated between the nanometer and the picometer with the intent of poisoning both units, taking them out of commission and settling a longstanding childhood grudge against the units held by the oily Mr. Ångström.

Anders Jonas Ångström, 1754 "Why yes, I will sell my children for research funding. Mwuahahaha!"

The unit symbol for the Angstrom is the Å. Unlike the symbols of its trustworthy neighbours, pm (picometer) and nm (nanometer), the Angstrom feels that it needs a flashy diacritic over its letter to truly represent itself. Aside from being a sign of Mr. Ångström’s hopelessly vain nature, the circle over the A serves another, more sinister use – the circle is a camera meant to spy on anyone who uses it. This camera records information forwarded to Mr. Ångström to be used in his various telemarketing and mail fraud schemes, roping in unwitting scientists into a world of scams, deception, and despair.

"I travelled the world and the seven seas, I am watching you through a camera!"

So many despicable schemes and character flaws almost make Mr. Ångström look more like a cartoony supervillain than a real person. It doesn’t help matters any that he has his own crater on the moon, Ångström crater, located at lunar coordinates 29.9°N 41.6°W. This crater is more than your standard “honourary” named crater, it is actually the base of Mr. Ångström’s entire operation. As he watches us from his lunar base, destroying our measurement systems and filling our mailboxes with junk, it seems all we earthbound victims can do is simply grin and bear it. Of course, there is always a better way.

The Ångström crater moon base, letting the world know what he thinks of us.

Regardless of the country you are in, there is one way you can all help defeat this awful menace. Contact your local Congressman, Member of Parliament, or other government representative and let it be known that increasing space program funding and science funding are some of the top concerns of the voting public, along with bringing Anders Jonas Ångström to justice for the atrocities committed by him and his criminal syndicate. Remember, the picometer and nanometer are depending on you, you’re their only hope!

Flying Terror-Rats Must Be Stopped!

Pigeons – the rats of the sky. So much is made of what a pest the common pigeon is that we never really stop to consider this menacing bird’s true intentions. The pigeon is much more than a minor inconvenience – it is what will surely cause the downfall of our civilization and the destruction of our world. From their surprisingly sinister behavior to their dangerously reactive innards, there is no safe part of a pigeon. In fact, the experts here at Frederick Kaff’s Illogical Conclusions suggest brutally beating anyone who has ever so much as mentioned a pigeon in anything other than tones of pure hatred – they are already lost.

The hand pictured belongs to a filthy, disgusting traitor.

The safety of you, the reader, is our chief concern here, so we are bringing the most dangerous aspect of the common pigeon to your attention first – their horrifying, horrifying innards. Most people have been told to never handle a live pigeon, but most have never received an explanation for this exceptionally sage advice. Unlike other birds, whose bodies are filled with the standard four humours as liquid mass (blood, yellow bile, black bile, and phlegm), the pigeon has organs that are instead filled with pure nitroglycerin. Letting a small child handle one because they erroneously think it is cute, or even handling one yourself, is enough to set off a dangerous explosive reaction, incinerating everything in a 15 meter radius. This deadly defense mechanism evolved not out of a need to protect itself, as the pigeon is also eliminated in the blast, but simply because pigeons are dicks.

Standard pigeon anatomy diagram. Nitroglycerin strength varies by bird.

It should come as no surprise that pigeons are birds of incredibly foul temperament, and incredibly loose moral fiber. Pigeon attacks have been a serious problem in major metropolitan areas for many years, dating back to the formation of the International Pigeon League of Douchebaggery, or IPLD, in Prague in 1731. Prior to the forming of this group, pigeons were viewed as a harmless nuisance, similar to the average knife wielding hobo. The IPLD changed all that, unifying pigeons under an international banner of mischief and trouble making. Their first major nefarious act was sparking the War of the Polish Succession (1733-1738), thereby cementing their place in the history books as filthy, degenerate monsters.

Aleksander Pigeon, first leader of the IPLD and catalyst of the War of the Polish Succession (1733-1738)

Of course, pigeon havoc is not merely contained to the history books. Pigeon attacks are still a major problem worldwide, with the problem getting so bad that in some cities, major efforts are being taken to eliminate this threat once and for all. The Canadian city of Halifax, Nova Scotia, has been heralded for its revolutionary pigeon removal methods. After a period stretching from 1996-2006 in which over 23% of the city’s population was lost to pigeons, including Halifax’s favourite son, NHL referee Don Koharski, who was carried off by pigeons outside a local doughnut shop in early 2003, city council decided to take action. After supplying all the residents of the city with a year’s supply of liquid food replacement, all foodstuffs in the city limits were then poisoned and left for the pigeons. The summer of 2006, referred to by residents as “The Long Summer”, saw the pigeon population decrease steadily while the citizens survived on bottles of Boost and Ensure. As of October 2006, Halifax was officially pigeon free, and there was much rejoicing.

The people of Halifax rejoicing in their success.

The pigeon threat is now greater than ever, although success stories like those of Halifax bring hope to those of us still living in fear of the grey menace. These birds should be considered armed and dangerous. Do not attempt to approach or apprehend them. If in immediate contact, retreat to a safe place and contact the authorities.

Thermos – Man’s Golden Hour

The thermos. A very common item, surely in most of your homes right now. But how much do you actually know about that wondrous canister that keeps hot drinks hot and cold drinks cold? Where does it get such awesome power, and how is it contained in such an innocuous, often colourful cylinder? The common thermos is actually one of mankind’s most stunning achievements,  utilizing technology on the absolute bleeding edge of human capability. Invented by Dr. Johannes Krause of Stuttgart, Germany, in 1893, the thermos was originally intended to be used as an indestructible building material. After Dr. Krause’s test shed began to fill with water one fateful morn in the fall of 1893, the temperature regulating properties of the thermos were discovered and humanity took its first fateful steps into a new golden age of liquids served at appropriate temperatures.

Standard thermos, property of the Smithsonian Institution.

To understand the fascinating technology behind the thermos, we must first look at its original intended use as a building material. Originally invented as an insulating alternative to standard bricks, the thermos had proved too costly to be practical choices for large public buildings. Amid the financial disaster of his new invention, and the accusations of witchcraft coming from his many stupid neighbours, it seemed that Dr. Johannes Krause was heading towards the end of his career as an inventor. That is until that fateful day referenced earlier, when his test hut filled with water on that rainy October morning. Dr. Krause took note of his hut made of thermoses filling with water, and was surprised when upon inspection later that afternoon that the water in the thermoses had remained cold! Excited by this startling discovery, Dr. Krause  spent a year investigating and testing these unique properties, until he re-debuted the thermos at the 1894 Stuttgart Winter Marathon. Filled with hot broth that miraculously managed to stay hot throughout the race, the thermos was an enormous success with all participants involved; except for one old man who spilled his on his lap and suffered severe third degree burns. General consensus is that it was his own damn fault for being such a grouchy old man, and the incident did nothing to dampen the thermos’s arrival into our modern world.

Dr. Johannes Krause's original thermos shack, preserved as a World Heritage Site.

The history of the thermos is very interesting, but what is truly fascinating about the thermos is how it works. Encased in the unassuming shell of every thermos is an inner shell made entirely of platinum, hooked up to a complex circuit that powers each thermos with wireless geothermal energy. The circuitry needed to power 1 thermos is very impressive; with just 1 thermos containing 10,000  times the processing power as the Apollo 11 lander that first put man on the moon. This technology is all very complex and unbelievably expensive, yet thanks to the efforts of the charitable Krause Foundation, each thermos is heavily subsidized, allowing even the poorest, dirtiest, most disease-ridden vagrant to be able to afford one. Without these generous gifts, only the three richest monarchs of Europe would be able to keep their hot drinks hot and their cold drinks cold.

The complex heart of the average thermos.

Today, thermoses are in use all over the world, a testament to Dr. Krause’s brilliant vision and abilities. In his hometown of Stuttgart, the 15 of October is celebrated as Thermos Day, with thermos themed parades and celebrations honouring the life of the Earth’s most accomplished inventor. Thermos Day has begun to spread to other nations as well, with the United States, Russia, China, and many others adopting Thermos Day in recognition of the man who brought our world into the modern age.

The thermos mug balloon in the 2010 Macy's Thermos Day Parade, New York.

So the next time you enjoy a beverage that has been kept cold in a thermos, or a soup that has been kept hot, please take a moment to remember the humble inventor from Stuttgart who made this brave new world possible for us all to enjoy soups and drinks away from home!